Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
