I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
