Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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