just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
