i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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