plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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