There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize