dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
