I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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