I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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