Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
