If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
