So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
did you just send me my own nude
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
