You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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