my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize