you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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