Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He's on the porch naked. Help.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
