i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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