sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
As shirtless as possible
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
