Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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