Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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