I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
