I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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