If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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