I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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