my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
