So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
