I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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