i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
