I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize