but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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