My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
