so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Dignity is for republicans.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
