I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
