K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
