There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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