rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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