If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
