Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
