my vag is so smooth its legendary
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
The Olympian is in my bed
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
