omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
