I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
