Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
