Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
