No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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