I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
