Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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