My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize