Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
