Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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