Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
