do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
