Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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