Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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