i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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