Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
