walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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