If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
did i walk over a car last night?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
