there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
