I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
