1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
