mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
