we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
