I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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