mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
